How to feel good about saying "no"
By Dr. Phoebe Long Franco
Embodied Boundaries
At the Center for Resiliency, we teach a tool in Resiliency Training called “Embodied Boundaries.” As facilitators, we invite groups of 30 - 40 healthcare professionals to say “no” together out loud. Some people put their palm out in front of them, others shake their fingers, and some stomp their feet like a toddler.
We do this exercise several times so that people can physically experience how it feels to say no to obligations we'd rather not do. “Embodied boundaries” is designed to be playful and silly, but also to help people notice what they experience when they say "no" out loud (e.g. powerful, energized, uncertain).
Saying “No” is Also Saying “Yes”
Krista and I like this tool because most of our participants are women and caregivers. Many of us habitually say "yes" to fulfilling other people’s needs. But as my friend Dr. Marissa Knox says, saying "no" to things we don't really want to do gives us more time and energy to say “yes” to the activities and relationships that are aligned with our values.
The Consequences of Saying “No”
Although many people tell us they feel strong and energized during this exercise, a lot of people also tell us it makes them feel uncomfortable. Even pretending to say “no” makes us worry about offending others, losing our jobs, or causing drama.
Of course, we’re not asking people to say “no” to their patients, families, or co-workers by putting their palm out or stomping their foot like an angry toddler. Our intention is for participants to feel the power and energy that can come from doing exactly what we want, even if we wouldn't ever say "no" so directly.
A recent interview with Dr. Pooja Lakshmin, author of “Real Self-Care: A Transformative Program for Redefining Wellness (Crystals, Cleanses, and Bubble Baths Not Included)” gave me some insight into why saying “no” is so uncomfortable for many of us.
“No always comes with a cost,” Dr. Lakshmin explains in the interview with Tressie McMillan Cottom. “The consequences of saying ‘no’ often depend on where we are in the social hierarchy…the lower you are in the caste system, the more consequence there is.” These consequences range from being seen as lazy or bossy to being outright fired.
How To Actually Say “No”
So how do we actually say “no” in the real world, given the potential consequences of doing so?
Pause, Then Say “Yes”, “No”, or Negotiate
Dr. Lakshmin explains that when we pause before we respond to a request, we exert our power to make one of three decisions: say yes, say no, or negotiate. “The reality is, many folks can’t say no. But you can always pause,” she says.
Even knowing that we want to say no, but can’t right now because of the potential consequences, can help us understand what we really want.
Pausing may allow us to find an appropriate way to negotiate, such as delegating a project to someone else when asked to spearhead a new one or leaving early one day after working late another.
Dr. Lakshmin says we might even choose to say yes for the moment, knowing that eventually, in a few months or years, we’d like to be in a position to say no.
Saying “No” is Good for Us and Our Community
I’m looking forward to reading Dr. Lakshmin’s book, because “real self-care” is what Resiliency Training is all about.
While I do enjoy a good bubble bath when I need to feel soothed, it’s not a realistic way to manage stress on a moment-to-moment basis.
Tools like setting boundaries are often uncomfortable in the short run. But in the long run, this “real” form of self-care can help us live the life we really want, giving us energy to engage with our families and serve our communities.
This week try pausing before responding to a request someone makes of you and consider your options for what to do: say yes, say no, or negotiate.
Share below in the comments how you feel when you say no.